Joe Biden did not pay me to write this post.
I say take an Amtrak half way across The US because I did the full trip and without paying for vastly overpriced sleeper car, traintracking the across the entire US is grueling, expensive — eight-dollar two-dollar convenience store hamburger, anyone? — and around day four you’ll be looking for ways to claw your way out of the passenger car you’ve been stuck in for the last ninety-six hours, wishing you taken an airplane to Miami Beach instead of gripping the rails the hurling boxcar of claustrophobic doom you chose, instead.
The best part of the trip is the stretch from California to Colorado, where you’ll traverse through hidden canyons, and get some great photos ops of old high desert factories.
If you take the trip in winter, from California to DC, once you arrive in Chicago, be sure to walk outside for no more than three seconds, and understand that there is absolutely no legitimate reason to go to Chicago in winter, that is unless you are snapping moments for your polar vortex photo collection.
My strict advice for this trip is do what I did:
Take the train from Cali to Chicago, say, “OK, I have enough photos to prove to my friends on Facebook that I’m cool,” and then immediately call a cab to the airport and fly directly to Miami Beach because snow is terrible and awful and should be banned, immediately.
Once you arrive to Miami Beach, sit back on the beach and say, “Well that was fun, but I’m never doing that again,” and the brag about how you just took a train across The US, to rope other unsuspecting travelers into the personal hell you, yourself, just narrowly escaped.